Snowlyme

Home/ The Selfish Gene/ Chapter 51

Before my life experience was exposed, I was always worried about one thing or another, worried to the point of being anxious all day long. But when it was really exposed, I found that it was nothing more than that.

Sang Zhengbai didn’t retaliate against me, Xu Xi didn’t look down on me, and although Tang Bian no longer called me “Young Master”, he called me “Brother” more often than before.

I used to think that if I was no longer “Sang Nian”, I would have nothing. Of course, I was afraid of “having nothing”, which is money, power, and quality of life.

Not really though.

What I was really afraid of was that the only thing I could hold on to in my hand would no longer belong to me in the end— Sang Zhengbai’s recognition, the respect of the world, the care of my relatives, and the eyes that will always stay on me.

I have obviously received recognition, respect, care, attention… I got everything from Ji Chenfeng alone, but I turned a blind eye and trampled on the other person’s precious sincerity as if stepping onto the mud.

I abandoned him, pushed him away, hurt him, and did so many wrong things. Therefore, now that I am being alienated, disgusted, and ignored by him, it is only natural.

However, even if I think this way, it is not easy to accept all this calmly.

“Do you feel heartbroken?” 

“Well, it hurts when he doesn’t look at me.”

“Have you never felt like this before?”

“Are you referring to my former lovers? No, no one has ever given me this feeling.” I pressed my heart and thought for a moment, “When he showed a disgusted expression towards me, my heart felt as if it was crushed into glass shards, even breathing would cause severe pain.”

Tang Bian held a giant bag of potato chips and sighed sadly when he heard this: “Then you are quite lucky. You have only met such a person now. Every time I am rejected by a girl I like, it hurts so much that I can’t breathe.” “

Grabbing the tissue on the coffee table, I threw it over, hitting Tang Bian’s nose. Although it didn’t hurt, it still startled him, and the potato chips in his hand fell all over.

“What are you doing…” Tang Bian put the tissue back on the coffee table and touched the tip of his nose aggrievedly.

“Can this be called being lucky?” I glared at him angrily.

“Then if I say you’re unlucky, you’ll still get angry…” Tang Bian muttered softly while picking up the potato chips on his body and stuffing them into his mouth.

“I’m here to ask for a solution from you, not for you to ridicule me.”

I thought about the feasibility of looking for a solution from Tang Bian. Perhaps it would be more reliable to just walk into a temple and draw lots to find a master to seek answers.

“I’ve been thinking for a while…” Tang Bian got up from the sofa with the potato chips in his hands, walked slowly to the window, looked at the scenery downstairs, and then strolled to the cabinet where the glass jar was placed, admiring the little turtle inside resting quietly.

He stuffed the potato chips into his mouth at a constant speed, constantly making ‘crack crack’ noises from the beginning to the end.

“I thought of it, brother!” Just when I was getting impatient, he stopped eating, as if he had come up with a brilliant idea. He turned around and looked at me happily, “Why don’t you learn sign language? He can’t hear it, but he can see it.”

Learn sign language?

In Ayao’s investigation report, there was indeed information that Ji Chenfeng knew sign language, but…

“…Have you ever thought that he would close his eyes?” And is it possible to learn sign language that quickly? By the time I learn how to communicate freely, Ji Chenfeng may have already been living with Jian Xing for a long time.

“Ah…” Tang Bian’s smile froze on his face, he bit the potato chips into his mouth and said awkwardly, “Then let me think about it again.”

After returning from Tang Bian’s house without success, it was already late at night when I returned to the rental house.

Standing at the door and facing the living room under the warm light, I felt a bit reluctant to enter.

The space is obviously not large, but for some reason, it is so quiet that it feels very empty. Time seems to have turned into gel, the air has become so thick, and the only sound that can be heard in one’s ear is a faint chirping.

On the sofa, at the dining table, by the kitchen…there are shadows of Ji Chenfeng everywhere.

In the past, I would have regarded these as a kind of torture and resented the pain I suffered. But now I know that this is the most common emotion among human beings— longing.

I can’t see him, so I want to see him. I want to see him, so he is everywhere.

“Missing” is not dangerous, nor will it hurt me, but it will be a little bitter and painful…

Finally stepping through the door, I took a long breath and walked towards the window to open it, letting in the noise from outside. In an instant, the sound of rustling leaves, the sound of blowing wind, and the sound of distant road traffic blended together in a noisy manner, rushing into the ear canal.

… A bit lonely. Looking at the rich night outside, I added another sentence in my heart.

Although Tang Bian is unreliable, I was currently at a loss about “how to approach Ji Chenfeng without offending him”, so I can only try this dog-headed strategist’s method.

I signed up for a volunteer sign language training class, which starts from 7 to 9 pm every Wednesday and Saturday at a cultural activity center next to a library.

The library is right at the subway entrance, only five stops from where I live.

The anti-anxiety medication I am taking has the effect of weakening concentration and reaction ability, so there are precautions strictly prohibiting driving or operating dangerous equipment during treatment. In addition, without any means of income, I am just trying to save money where I can. Since I have become an ordinary person, I need to have the consciousness of being an ordinary person.

So at 6:30 on Wednesday night, I took the subway for the first time in a long time.

Unexpectedly, 06:30 happens to be the evening rush hour, so you have to queue up to get into the carriage. After finally squeezing in, you have to be close to the strangers.

The smell of perfume, sweat, and food all mixed together, forming an unbearable stench.

I frowned tightly and covered my mouth and nose with a tissue. I couldn’t help but want to vomit on the fat man in front of me who kept shaking his legs.

Not only does this one person occupy two seats, but he also keeps shaking his legs as if he is suffering from Parkinson’s disease. Didn’t you see that the girl next to you has been pushed to the edge by you, even her shoulders have shrunk?

This fat guy still has a sour smell on his body. How many days has it been since he took a shower?

“Ugh!” I pulled on the lifting ring, covered my mouth and leaned forward, making a retching sound.

The fat man was startled and looked up from his phone, his legs immediately stopped shaking.

“Wow ,what are you doing?”

I took away the tissue and retched more violently, as if I would vomit the overnight meal on him in the next second.

The fat man put his legs together and moved a few centimeters to the side in fear, which quickly aroused the dissatisfaction of others.

“Stop squeezing, are you trying to squeeze people to death!”

“It’s not that I want to squeeze in, there’s someone here who’s about to vomit…” The fat man shouted at me with a gloomy look on his face, “Go ahead and vomit!”

I really couldn’t stand the smell on him, so I covered my mouth and nose again, glaring at him coldly: “Mind your own fucking business?”

The fat man’s face quickly turned from green to white as he heard my angry words, and he immediately became silent. Quickly stuffing his cell phone into his backpack, he muttered something and pushed his way past me towards the door, not knowing whether he was about to get off the carriage or simply scared away by me.

The fat man’s seat became vacant, and the girl beside him breathed a sigh of relief and was finally able to sit upright normally. Several passengers around me looked at that seat and then at me, but no one dared to sit down.

“You can sit down.” I raised my chin towards a middle-aged woman who looked a bit older.

She was stunned for a moment: “Oh, okay, thank you, thank you.” Then she sat down obediently.

The library station seemed to be a big station, and as we approached the station, many people stood up, including the girl who had been squeezed earlier.

I followed the crowd and reached the door effortlessly.

“Thanks……”

Upon hearing the soft and mosquito-like murmur of gratitude, I turned my head to look and saw that it was the girl.

I wanted to tell her that if she felt uncomfortable next time, just say it yourself, but I inadvertently caught a glimpse of a familiar figure amidst the crowd leaving the platform.

In an instant, my attention was drawn to a figure that was very similar to Ji Chenfeng. I tried my best to squeeze out, ignoring the curses in my ears and the wrinkled clothes. I just wanted to go faster and faster, not wanting to let the other person run away.

However, the flow of people during the evening rush hour was beyond my imagination, and in the blink of an eye, I lost sight of that person.

I searched in every direction, including nearby shops, but the figure that was so close just now seemed to be my own illusion.

Perhaps it was just someone with a similar physique, not Ji Chenfeng at all. His home and workplace are not here, so why would he be here?

And even if it’s him, what can I possibly do? Forcefully hold him and tell him that we are destined to meet each other wherever we go?

He would only suspect that I was following him.

Sitting on the side of the road for a while with a little bit of disappointment, I remembered that I came here to take a sign language class and it was almost time for the class to start.

Hurriedly running into the activity center, guided by the poster, I successfully found the only classroom on the second floor with an open door.

“Teacher Ji, I’ll ask you to take care of us in the future.”

“Teacher, how long will it take to learn and communicate smoothly?”

“Has Teacher Ji ever come into contact with hearing-impaired children? Will there be any problem in communication?”

Before entering the classroom, I heard several voices coming from inside. The teacher seemed to have arrived and had finished introducing himself.

It’s nice to be late on the first day, Sang Nian.

After closing my eyes, I stepped into the classroom and said to the seven or eight people gathered around the podium: “Sorry, I’m late…”

Everyone turned to look at me, creating a clear and straight path between me and Ji Chenfeng.

I froze when I looked at him, and he was also stunned when he looked at me.

How do you say it? I looked for him thousands of times, but suddenly looking back, I found him in a dimly lit area.

I’ve been looking for him for so long, but he’s waiting for me here. If this is not called fate, then what is?

“Sorry, I’m late.” I walked towards him and reached out my hand, “My name is Sang Nian, what is the teacher’s name?”

The smile on his lips faded a bit. Ji Chenfeng seemed to have a lot to say to me, but because of the crowd, he finally compromised and shook my hand meaningfully.

“My surname is Ji.”

It was only for two seconds, and I didn’t even have time to feel the temperature in his palm. He quickly withdrew his hand as if he was afraid of being cut by the sharp weapon hidden in my hand.

“Okay, everyone, please sit down, class is about to start.” He stopped looking at me and motioned for everyone to find a seat to sit down.

The people around me dispersed one by one and left the podium, only I remained motionless.

I was still immersed in this wonderful fate with Ji Chenfeng.

“Teacher Ji…” are only two syllables, but they seem to have gone through hundreds of times on the tip of my tongue, with each ending sound sticking to the next word. By the end, there are no words left, and it can only disappear in a smile.

Ji Chenfeng glanced at me, leaned forward slightly, and said in a voice that only the two of us could hear: “Go out if you don’t want to sit down. Don’t disturb others in the class.”

“Okay.” I replied with a smile, not angry at all.

Meeting him was the biggest surprise tonight, and until this surprise lasted, my mood was filled with joy.

Turning around and walking off the podium, the classmates I had completely ignored gradually appeared in front of me, and unexpectedly, I found a familiar girl among them.

The young girl in the orange dress saw that I noticed her and quietly waved her hand towards me.

There were two seats in a row, and the seat next to her was still empty. This was the only seat left facing the podium, where I could see Ji Chenfeng clearly and was close enough to him, so I subconsciously walked over.

Seeing that I wanted to sit next to her, she quickly took away the cloth bag on the other seat.

“What a coincidence.” As soon as I sat down, she whispered, “Thank you on the subway just now. My name is Meng Xueyan, you can just call me Xiao Xue.”

Doesn’t this conflict with the name of our cat?

“Just call me Sang Nian.” I said.

Meng Xueyan choked, and just when she was about to say something else, there was a knocking sound from the other side of the podium that was enough to attract attention.

Meng Xueyan and I looked over and saw Ji Chenfeng tapping the whiteboard with a marker, his gaze sweeping over Meng Xueyan before finally landing on my face.

“Quiet.” Ji Chenfeng said one word clearly and forcefully.

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