Home/ The Selfish Gene/ Chapter 44
Is Yan Shanhua about to die?
This day came earlier than expected. I thought I would feel relieved and happy because of the news of her death. However, I don’t know if I took too many sedative drugs, but when I heard this news, I didn’t feel very happy, nor did I have any feelings of pain or regret, I just felt… very calm.
After Ayao left, I lay on the sofa, looking at the ceiling above my head, falling into a state of relaxation.
Recently, I have invented a good way to regulate my emotions. I call it the “ostrich method” — if you don’t want to see the sun, just bury your head in the sand. If you don’t want to worry, just don’t think about the things that make you worry.
Just think about things related to survival. For example– sleeping, eating, going to the bathroom, like an old computer that only executes one command at a time. As for those difficult problems that cannot be solved in the short term, don’t touch them or think about them. As long as you lock them in the corner of your memory and forcefully forget them, your body will become much more relaxed.
“Meow~” The little white cat woke up, jumped on me, stretched up, and began to rub its furry head on my face.
Unable to bear it, I had no choice but to withdraw my thoughts and focus on it.
Cats are so annoying, much more annoying than turtles.
“Do you miss Ji Chenfeng?” I touched the kitten’s head and said, “If he doesn’t come back in two days, let’s go find him.”
On the sixth day, I received money from Ji Chenfeng on my bank card, no more, no less, it was exactly 500000 yuan.
I sat up from the sofa and stared at the piercing numbers in disbelief.
Even if Yan Shanhua is about to die soon and no longer needs money for medical treatment, Ji Chenfeng should be only able to return the 300,000 yuan he borrowed from me. Who gave him the remaining 200,000 yuan? Where did he get so much money?
And what does he mean by this? Return the money to me and don’t owe me anything anymore. Are you prepared to settle things with me… from now on?
I anxiously paced back and forth in the living room, unable to think of an answer and having no one to ask.
What to do?
What to do……
As my teeth sunk into the joint of my index finger, I needed to do something to distract myself.
Whenever an unsolvable problem arises in my mind, the force between my teeth increases. The pain stopped my brain from focusing on Ji Chenfeng’s problem, allowing me to calm down a little.
Yan Shanhua is about to die. Ji Chenfeng returned the money to me and wanted to draw a line with me… He wanted to draw a clear line with me…
I stopped, as if catching a glimmer of light from the darkness of ignorance, and the whole world gradually became brighter.
Wait, isn’t this what I wanted? After Yan Shanhua’s death, I am the only one who knows the secret. Ji Chenfeng is no longer a threat. Isn’t it just right for him and me to make a clean break?
I was a bit confused. This is the development that goes well with my expectations, right? Even God is helping me, so why am I anxious?
After thinking about it, I took the red and swollen finger out of my mouth and sat back on the sofa.
Finally it’s all coming to an end. My life is about to get back on track. There will be no Yan Shanhua, no Ji Chenfeng, and no poverty.
I will become the real “Crown Prince” and take charge of the Sang family. From then on, the future will be bright without any obstacles.
And this place…
I looked around and glanced over the somewhat messy living room, as well as the takeaway boxes piled on the coffee table.
No matter how familiar it may be, it cannot be true. This is not “home”, it is not my home, it’s just an illusion like what the Xu family and Sang Zhengbai gave me. I will leave here and discard this place, along with the memories of Ji Chenfeng.
After all, it’s the woman who gave birth to me. Even if I don’t want to admit it anymore, I still have Yan Shanhua’s genes in my body. And she did keep her promise to me and did not reveal the truth to anyone.
Now that she is about to die, all of the grudges and grievances are gone, and it’s not for love, but for reason. I should also go see her for the last time, just as… to settle my fate with her.
On the seventh day of the Lunar New Year, I carefully took care my appearance. I shaved my beard, waxed my hair, meticulously put on a shirt, vest, and trousers, then finally put on a woolen coat before going out.
The hospital where Yan Shanhua is located is not far from Fly City, it’s only twenty minutes walk from where I live.
I bought a bouquet of carnations at the entrance of the hospital and followed the information that Ayao gave me. Guided by the security guard, I finally found a low building surrounded by a garden in a remote corner of the hospital.
Palliative Care Department– looking up at the sign above my head, I walked deeper into the corridor.
The room at the end of the corridor was Yan Shanhua’s ward.
There were two beds in the room, but the other one was covered with plastic film and no one is sleeping on it yet. Perhaps in two days, Yan Shanhua’s bed will also be empty, just like this one…
Taking back my gaze, I casually placed the flowers in my hand on the cabinet next to Yan Shanhua’s bed.
The woman who was originally sleeping woke up with a start when she heard the noise. When she found out that the person coming was me, her eyes were wide open, showing a mixture of surprise and joy.
She looked even worse than the last time I saw her. She was so thin that she seemed to have only a handful of bones left, with sunken cheeks and high cheekbones, making her eyes look terrifyingly big.
“Xiao Nian…” She sat up with difficulty and reached out to me with her hands, “Am I dreaming?”
I glanced at her skinny palms and sat down on the chair with my back to the door, ignoring her.
“Such expensive medicine, doesn’t it have any effect after taking it?”
Yan Shanhua’s eyes gradually dimmed, and she retracted her hand, saying with a smile: “Medicine is good, but I didn’t take it myself. Living for two more years is meaningless to me. It’s better to die early.”
I was startled: “Did you stop taking the medication yourself?”
The ward was a bit hot, so I took off the gloves on my hands. The purple-red tooth marks on my knuckles were shocking. I glanced at it and put my leather gloves on them to cover it up.
“If I live for one more day, I will drag Chenfeng down for another day.” Yan Shanhua stared at the snow-white quilt in front of her, like a haggard mummy, “I know he borrowed the money for my medical treatment from you. He didn’t tell me, but I know it. He didn’t want me to die, so he tried his best to keep me alive and took me to see doctors everywhere. I really felt sorry for him. In fact, I really didn’t want to live anymore, but I was afraid that he would be sad, so I promised him that I would receive good treatment. He doesn’t know it, but this is my retribution, I deserve it.”
It’s really ironic, Ji Chenfeng wants her to live so much, but she just wants to die.
“You certainly deserve it,” I said.
Yan Shanhua’s body trembled and her head hung lower.
“I’m sorry for you, I’m sorry for Chenfeng, I’m sorry for Mrs. Sang and Mr. Sang…” She covered her face and cried in pain, “Back then, your father was seriously injured and lying in the hospital. I didn’t know if he would ever wake up in this life. I was shocked and ended up giving birth to you prematurely. You were very small and weak when you were born. I cried all day long, not understanding how this kind of thing could happen to our family.”
“It’s really pitiful for you to be born in our family. We couldn’t give you anything. At that time, my mind was as if it was broken, thinking about things all the time. Seeing how rich the Sang family was, I started to have thoughts that I shouldn’t have.” She suddenly became agitated and slapped her own face one after another, “I hurt you and Chenfeng, I hurt you and Chenfeng!”
Although she was extremely ill, her strength wasn’t small, and her face soon became red and swollen.
I frowned and said in a deep voice: “Alright…”
What are you doing by going crazy in front of me? Is it useful to talk about it now? Who wants to listen to your various regrets?
Yan Shanhua’s movements suddenly stopped for a moment, but the next second she struggled to get out of the bed and knelt in front of me.
“What are you doing?” I stood up in a panic, causing the chair to make a piercing sound on the ground.
“Xiao Nian, it was my fault, your mother’s fault, I switched you with Chenfeng. It’s my fault alone.” She grabbed the corner of my clothes and said in a choked voice, “Mother is going to die, I will bear all the hatred for my sin. Don’t blame Chenfeng, just let him go…let him go…”
I involuntarily took a step back and was blocked by the chair behind me.
There was no way to retreat. It’s obviously just an ordinary chair, and I can just kick it away, but I seem to have no way to retreat.
Staring at Yan Shanhua in front of me, my gaze shifted from her tear-stained face to her hands that were tightly grasping the hem of my clothes.
As she said, all the sins and hatred are borne by her. When she dies, these things will be taken away by her. Everything will end with her.
After stepping out of here, don’t contact Ji Chenfeng again. Cutting him out of my life is the best arrangement. But why…am I so unwilling?
With a nod, I would no longer have anything to do with Ji Chenfeng, but my spine was stiff and unable to bend, and my tongue and the entire mouth began to feel numb.
Because there is no decent breakup?
Yes, that’s what it is. How could it end so unclearly? After all, it’s at least a lover I personally admitted. Even if it’s about to end, I should make it clear in person.
It was me who initiated the breakup, it was me who didn’t want him. This must be made clear and must not be confused.
“You’re about to die, but you are still thinking about him.” Little by little, I pulled out my clothes and helped Yan Shanhua up from the ground.
I said calmly,” Don’t worry, as long as I can inherit everything from the Sang family, why would I bother him? I don’t really have any deep feelings for him…”
Yan Shanhua was temporarily comforted by me and stood up tremblingly, asking: “…Really?”
I don’t know which question she is asking. Is it that I won’t pester Ji Chenfeng anymore, or that I don’t really like him?
Forget it, it’s not important. It’s the same anyway.
I helped her to the bed, straightened her dry grass-like hair, and took out a tissue to wipe away the tears on her face.
“Really.” I paused and said, “I won’t retaliate against him anymore.”
She felt relieved. Perhaps crying consumed whatever little energy she had, but she fell asleep after a while.
Crumpling the tissue into a ball and throwing it in the trash can, I dragged the chair over and sat in the ward for almost half an hour before getting up. Then putting on my gloves, I walked out the door.
Pushing open the door to the ward, I should have strode away without a care, but when I caught sight of the figure leaning against the door from the corner of my eye, I suddenly froze in place.
After a few seconds, I retrieved my wandering soul and looked at Ji Chenfeng, who had been standing there for who knows how long, with a sense of fortuitism.
Just like on New Year’s Eve, he had his hands in his pockets and was quietly leaning against the wall. He didn’t raise his eyes until I noticed him.
I stumbled back a step as a blurry black shadow flashed before my eyes. If on New Year’s Eve, the way he looked at me was like the early autumn rain, although there was coldness, some warmth was still there. But now, the way he looked at me was like the strongest and deadliest ice shard on the glacier, leaving only the piercing cold.
All the luck disappeared when he looked at me.
He heard it.
Just now my conversation with Yan Shanhua was overheard by him.
I am finished.
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