Home/ The Selfish Gene/ Chapter 60
Driving Zheng Jieyuan’s car back to the Fly City, no one said anything the whole way.
I can feel my spirit becoming increasingly tense, every second approaching its limit more than the previous one. As my shoulders heaved with my breathing, the pain spread throughout my body. The air conditioning was blowing on my slightly damp clothes, making my body feel even colder. As soon as I returned to Ji Chenfeng’s house, I couldn’t wait to rush into the bathroom.
After taking off the clothes, the ferocious mark on my body was truly reflected in the mirror.
Perhaps due to soaking in water, the injured area became more red and swollen than when it was first burned. The normal skin compressed the wounded skin, making the six-pointed star pattern no longer clear.
So ugly.
The scars on my back are difficult for me to see on ordinary days, and as long as others don’t mention them, I won’t always be reminded of their existence. But this imprint is different, it’s just too conspicuous.
This may be Shi Hao’s purpose, to make me think of the humiliation I suffered today every time I see it.
Nails dug into the skin, scratching at the red and swollen wound. I couldn’t find a more convenient tool, so I could only use this simple and crude way to destroy the newly burned pattern.
It wasn’t until the brand was dripping with blood that I stopped sweating.
At least it’s not that ugly anymore. Looking at the wound that looked increasingly tragic in the mirror, I thought with the strong spirit of Ah Q. (Ah Q mentality= when people deceive themselves and believe that everything is fine)
Since the wound hurt whenever it came into contact with hot water, I almost finished the bath with cold water. Due to this, the body not only didn’t get warm after taking a shower, but actually got colder.
Due to constantly being washed in cold water, the wound soon lost its color. Without drying myself, I put on my clothes and left the bathroom, then crawled into my bed exhausted and completely wrapped my body in the blanket, not even exposing my head.
The sound of a microwave oven was heard from the kitchen, and after a while, the room was filled with the aroma of food, smelling like instant noodles.
Ji Chenfeng doesn’t have the habit of eating late night snacks, so this should be his first meal tonight.
Zheng Jieyuan, although he is sincere towards his friends, he is not meticulous in his actions. The two of them were at the pet hospital in the afternoon. He should’ve known whether Ji Chenfeng had eaten or not, so couldn’t he(zj) buy something to cushion his(jc) stomach on the way?
Whether it’s the pain in the body or tonight’s experience, it’s destined to be a sleepless night. I covered my head and lay on my side, looking like I was asleep, but I had been paying attention to Ji Chenfeng’s movements behind me.
He came out of the kitchen and entered the bedroom, and then exited the bedroom and entered the bathroom. Half an hour later, he walked out of the bathroom with a burst of hot air filled with the scent of soap.
I thought he would go back to the bedroom to sleep next, but he stopped behind me.
He’s looking at me.
“I know you are not sleeping.”
I opened my eyes and a faint light penetrated through the gaps in the blanket, creating a cocoon-like space that was dim and suffocating.
“Sang Nian, I don’t want to continue like this. You can move out tomorrow.”
Pulling off the blanket, I blinked blankly at the wall in front of me, and it took me a long time to find my voice.
“…But, I haven’t found a house yet.”
“You can stay at a hotel first, or go to Zheng Jieyuan’s place.”
He didn’t want to give me another chance.
Ever since he allowed me to live in his house, I knew he was softening up. It was agreed that I would only stay for one night, but the next day when I didn’t leave, he didn’t kick me out. He even said he could let me stay until I found a house.
If you don’t give me the keys and don’t let me go out, how can I find a house?
When Meng Xueyan said that she could introduce me to a cheap house, he had no reaction, as if he had completely forgotten that the “friend” I was staying at was not him. When I met Zheng Jieyuan, I didn’t even remember the lie I had told about not having any friends.
He just tacitly allowed me to live under the same roof with him, hating me at the same time, but unable to help being soft-hearted towards me.
I know all this.
But now he says he doesn’t want to continue like this.
He no longer wants to persuade himself to forgive me anymore, no longer wants to distinguish which of my words are trustworthy, and no longer wants to have any further contact with me.
Is it because he is angry with me?
Did I make him angry?
“…Okay.” I said calmly, “I will move out tomorrow.”
After receiving a clear answer, Ji Chenfeng said nothing more. After a while, the lights in the living room dimmed and the bedroom door closed gently.
Looking at the darkness in front of me, I felt that it was bottomless, like an invisible big mouth that would swallow me up in the next second.
I wrapped myself more tightly in the blanket and curled up my knees. It was obviously a hot summer day, but I felt cold for no reason.
I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep, but then my body gradually warmed up and I became less conscious.
I accidentally spilled the food on the ground.
“Tsk.” The woman whose face I couldn’t see clearly walked against the light and pulled me off the chair.
Slapping my body hard, she forced me to kneel down in front of the spilled food.
“Eat everything that fell on the ground, or I won’t let you go!”
I bit my lip, picked up a piece of pumpkin, and stuffed it into my mouth. The woman slapped me on the back of my head again, and my whole body fell to the ground due to inertia.
“Who allowed you to use your hands? Lick with your mouth like a dog!”
Tears welled up in my eyes, shaking and trembling. But because I was too scared and afraid that any of my actions would provoke more scolding and beatings, I was afraid to even cry loudly.
Bending down, I licked the food on the ground like a dog, not daring to stop even if I couldn’t eat anymore.
The woman walked away temporarily, and I breathed a sigh of relief, but the matter was far from over.
Perhaps children have less control over their muscles, or maybe I really ate too much, causing me to choke. My stomach churned, and I actually vomited out what I had just eaten.
My stomach was still twitching, but a deeper fear had already taken hold of me.
I hurriedly looked at the woman and found that she was already walking towards me angrily.
“I was wrong…” I cried and begged for mercy, picking up the food on the ground and stuffing it into my mouth as if to remedy it. “Mom, don’t be angry… Mom, don’t be angry…”
“Who is your mother? You are such a useless kid, you find something to do for me every day.”
She cursed and grabbed my arm, pushing me down on the chair.
Feeling a premonition of what was about to happen, I struggled fiercely and begged harder, “I was wrong… it’s all my fault… I’m sorry… I won’t do it again…”
The clothes on my back were lifted up, and sharp heat fell on my waist. I screamed, and tears fell on the floor one by one.
In addition to the nanny, there was also a cook and a gardener at home, but the woman was very smart and would never attack me when others were around.
There is no use in begging, no one listens to my cry for help.
I knew the pain, I knew the fear, but I didn’t know it was “abuse.” After all, this has been my life since I became conscious.
I was noticed by Xu Xi because the heat was too severe and my butt was burnt too badly. She came to see me and found that my walking posture was strange and I was unwilling to sit down. That woman told her that I was too naughty and accidentally hurt my leg by jumping down the stairs. Xu Xi, who was only a fifteen-year-old girl at the time, believed it to be true and did not investigate further.
It was spring at that time, and all the flowers in the garden were in full bloom. Xu Xi led me alone to the garden to admire the flowers, and the woman didn’t follow.
When Xu Xi was admiring a peach blossom in full bloom, she wanted to hug me and take a closer look, but as soon as she reached out, I avoided her.
“It hurts.”
Xu Xi glanced at my legs with some worry and asked, “Where did you fall? Have you seen a doctor?”
I shook my head and pointed to my butt: “It hurts here.”
Although Xu Xi was young, she already had the consciousness of an adult. Upon hearing this, regardless of whether it was in broad daylight, she reached out and pulled off my pants.
When the hideous wound was exposed before her eyes, the woman’s crimes that hadn’t been exposed for several years were revealed to the world.
Xu Xi said that I was well-behaved and brave because I didn’t make noises, cried, or felt aggrieved when facing pain. But she didn’t know that I had cried, argued, and had been wronged for a long time before, but… no one cared.
Tears are the most useless. I have understood this truth since I was young. It cannot be my weapon, nor can it be my shield, nor can it be cherished by others.
It hurts so much that I can’t sleep…
Is it morning? Will dad come back today? As long as he is here, “Mom” won’t hit me.
“Sang Nian… Sang Nian…”
I don’t know if it’s sweat or something, but it was so damp and hot that even my eyelashes seemed to be covered with water drops.
I blinked, and the picture in front of me was hazy and fragmented, only a blurry figure could be seen.
“It hurts so much…”
It seems familiar… Last time it was the same, being discovered by this person and held in their arms.
As long as you hold this person, all the pain will disappear and every tear will receive a response.
That was the first time someone heard my cry for help.
“Where does it hurt?”
The palm of his hand caressed my sweaty cheek and neck, as if trying to pull away the blanket that was wrapped tightly to take a closer look, but I grabbed his hand and pressed it firmly back to my cheek.
“It hurts everywhere…” Half of my lips were pressed against Ji Chenfeng’s palm. I exhaled a scorching breath, and liquid kept spilling from my eyes. “It hurts so much.”
Everything in front of me seemed to be spinning, and my brain turned into mush. I could only close my eyes and hold his hand tighter.
A sigh sounded in my ear: “I can’t move like this, let go of me first.” Perhaps seeing my lack of cooperation, his voice became softer. “Be good, don’t cry, I won’t leave.”
Although my consciousness was blurred, my trust in him was ingrained in my heart. With a vague “hmm”, I loosened my hand little by little and moved it to the pillow. I obediently stopped making any resistance.
The blanket on my body was gently lifted, and suddenly, the other party’s movements froze, and I couldn’t even hear the sound of his breathing. After a few seconds, he quickly unbuttoned my shirt, as if he was eager to find out an answer, but when he lifted the clothes on my chest, he became cautious again, as if there was a dangerous wasp on my lapel.
The fabric was stuck to the wound, causing unbearable pain when touched, to the point that he had to work very hard to peel it off. Because almost every time he exerted force, I couldn’t help but tremble and let out a suppressed sob from my throat.
“Why didn’t you tell me when you were injured?” Finally, he saw my wound clearly and wiped away the tears from the corners of my eyes with his thumb. His tone was as gentle as a snowflake— Falling on the heart, there would be a moment of coolness and comfort, but when you want to turn back and cherish it, you can no longer find the traces of his once gentle demeanor.
When was the last time I heard him talk to me like this?
Feeling Ji Chenfeng getting up and leaving me, I suddenly opened my eyes and wanted to grab his clothes, but couldn’t reach them.
With his back to me, he rummaged through the drawers in the living room cabinet and finally found a first-aid kit.
“It might hurt a little.”
He opened an iodophor cotton swab, waited for one end to be filled with reddish-brown liquid, and then gently pressed it on my wound.
It really hurt so much, so painful that I subconsciously wanted to hide.
Ji Chenfeng quickly pressed my shoulder with his other hand and comforted me: “It will be better soon, just hold on a little longer…”
Blowing on the wound, he treated the wound for me in a very professional and quick way.
After wrapping the wound with sterile gauze, he touched my forehead, then turned around and poured a glass of water. He let me sit in his arms and gave me a capsule: “It’s for reducing inflammation and fever. You have a high fever.” After I took it, he quickly fed me some water.
The clothes on my body were all soaked, and the blanket couldn’t cover me. He simply picked me up horizontally and moved me to his bedroom inside.
After sleeping on the floor for a long time, as soon as the body touched the soft mattress, my aching bones seemed to be comforted, becoming less uncomfortable.
He stripped me of all my clothes and stuffed me into a thin quilt, wrapping me tightly. After doing all this, Ji Chenfeng turned around and wanted to leave, but this time I finally caught him.
“Don’t drive me away…” I took his hand and showed weakness completely. “I won’t quarrel with you again… Lock me up, put shackles on me, and treat me as you please… I only want you … as long as there’s you, it’s enough…”
If you have never been cherished, you won’t know how bad your life is; If you have never received warmth from someone, you won’t be greedy for their temperature.
I don’t want to do this anymore, I can’t stand it anymore. After treating me so tenderly, how could this person cut me off from his life so mercilessly?
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